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What happened seemed unreal, somehow heavy bad dream.
When the ability to move came back to him, he sat down directly on the deck near the utah, leaning his back on him, buried his face in his knees and wept.
Shestakov has not cried since he was ten years old, ever since he broke up with his mother.
Life made him hard and hardened.
And he no longer remembered what it was like when it hurts to tears.
Now, for the first time in so many years, he cried like a child, with his face buried in fists clenched hands.
He cried, but he did not feel better.
The terrible tragedy, not yet fully realized by him, made him suddenly understand what he had painfully tried to understand during the last one and a half days.
Ivan finally found the answer to his question – he loved this boy! He fell in love for the first time in his life, and, probably, that is why he loved very much, giving all his strength and soul to this feeling.
Now it was obvious to him, but nothing could be done about it.
The horror of the incident did not fit in his head.
– Misha, – Shestakov whispered through tears, – Misha, what did you do, silly ?.
Well, why are you.
Misha.
– and his back shook in silent sobs.
From this day Shestakova was not to know.
He almost stopped eating, in a matter of days his face was drawn and as if it had turned gray.
And he cried a lot.
Ivan was now crying, probably more than Dolsky himself when he was aboard.
He hammered into some corner and, invisible to everyone, indulged in his grief.

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He again and again recalled every mistake he made, every nasty act, and found no explanation or excuse for them.
Shestakov even got some kind of masochistic pleasure from his pain, because he perceived it as redemption.
In those moments when the pain seemed unbearable to him, he smiled wryly and, turning to himself, whispered: “So you, so you, you son of a bitch.
And a little more. ”
He no longer communicated with the sailors from his squad.
They guessed what was happening to him, and did not climb to him.
Only once did Panin come to Shestakov, who was sitting dejectedly on the tank and sat down beside him.
– You are not to blame.
– he said after a pause.
“Excuse me,” Shestakov replied monosyllably and firmly.
“Well, I mean, you’re not alone.”
We are all guilty.
– Yes, everyone is to blame.
But I am the most.
Much more.
“Why didn’t you tell us then?”
– Panin hesitated and did not finish speaking, but Shestakov understood what he was talking about.
– I did not know then.
Then I understood.

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They were silent.
“Listen,” said Panin suddenly, “or maybe he didn’t drown at all.”
After all, there is a very navigable area.
You count: he was gone three days ago.
And we are arriving tomorrow in Nassau.
Four days from Nassau, but there are so many shipping routes intersecting, moreover, just in this area! Yes, and we go along the coast, and not far from the coast – this means fishermen, smugglers and so on.
Could pick up! The storm was small.
And he swims like a fish.
Remember, he himself said.
-Well, do not take? -Not – a.
-And you asked well? -And how! Kneel even! In the bright light of the tunnel, the boy looked very pitiful.
With his chin on his bare knees, he sat with his back leaning against the wall and wiped away tears every now and then.
– I asked them – I asked.
And they – “no, and that’s it,” it’s too early for you at your thirteen.
And the reason is not quite about.
like this, forgot.
“Objective,” I reminded him, “they don’t take me either.”
-What do they say to you? – the boy quickened at once.
-I’m sorry, what.
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